Christmas in July

The world is such a strange, strange place.

In my surreal weekend I watched people scramble and fight over $2.96 DVDs at Walmart. Later, on our small motel TV, a heavily made up newscaster promoted a parade by telling me that 'tis the season for giving'. I saw no giving. Only women scratching each other over 'Pretty Woman' and 'Lethal Weapon 4'.

If I give you my cynicism, would that be considered a gift?

I find it a impossible that we start our children off with some goofy tradition of Santa Claus - a big fat man who somehow squeezes his ass through your chimney (even if your trailer, apartment or houseboat doesn't have a chimney) and doles out the very present you wanted just for you because he's ho ho ho so happy to do it. On account of the elves and Mrs. Claus and whatnot. Then a few years later, just as we delivered out such dogma, we snatch it away. ha ha. I was the one giving you those presents all along. Thank Daddy for his fine performance as Sir Klaus on account of his beer gut and cheap fabric I got at the after Thanksgiving sale at Walmart.

Santa Claus is fiction. How could we believe otherwise. I mean, c'mon. A fat man in a red velour suit who jiggles like a bowl full of jelly and gives a bunch of brats bikes every year at the same time.

THAT would be impossible.

What IS true, however, is that this guy was born in a stable who later grew up to be mightier than Zeus and was resurrected and will only save you and I if we accept him into his heart, but oh there's a catch! You have to drink wine that's been blessed and wafers that have been blessed and play pretend that you're at a cannibal tea party and drink his blood and promise not to fuck or be gay or ESPECIALLY be gay AND fuck, and you have to say things like, 'praise Jesus' and hold your palms out with your right hand raised whenever you listen to certain music.

You know honestly, I think the REAL miracle of Christmas is how two slaves from Egypt could have such a snow white baby.

An even bigger miracle still is people haven't figured out that Adam and Eve are metaphors for those two big apes dancing around the giant white bar in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Thank you. I'm here all day.